Brimming Over

I choke all the time.
I choke on my words.
I catch myself trying to say something out loud and shake my head and the words don't come.
Give me a pen and a piece of paper and I can "speak".

It wasn't much to long ago, about a year, that I began praying about my words.  They never seem to come out right.  Someone asks me a question and a choke.  I try to explain something and I choke.  I can not for the life of me figure out why it's so hard to speak out loud.

I don't have any problem talking to my kids or husband but still, sometimes, things don't come out right.

I feel like the less I say, the better off I am.  My words seem to twist in the air as the come out and by the time they reach someones ears that don't seem right.  I don't know what is happening or why or if I just noticed and it's always been this way.

If I'm going to speak it needs to be well thought out and planned.  Words don't seem to work for me if it's not been thought about, pondered over, or regurgitated before.  If that's the case, they come out beautifully.

I have found that I am in much more deep thought lately about my purpose and life.

We all have a purpose...that means I have a purpose, my husband has a purpose, my kids have a purpose and not one single part of me believes our purpose is just to exist but that we have a job to do.

Lately, I have been struggling with what job that is for myself.  Maybe it's because my kids are growing up and they need me in different ways and maybe a little less than the previous year.  Maybe it's because I have noticed a shift in those people who I call friends over the years.  Maybe it is because what I thought was my purpose turned out to be someone else's but definitely not mine.

If there is one thing that has been a secret passion of mine, it is that from time to time I find a connection that pricks my heart strings and resonates through my soul.   That connection is usually in something I read.  What that means is that an author, somewhere at sometime in this world was writing and had something on the heart.  They put it down and out for the world and let a piece of themselves float around from person to person in hopes that it pricks their hearts and eventually someone like myself discovers that piece and a connection is made.

I believe that an author and a reader have a special connection but two things need to happen for the connection to ever exist...the author has to write
& the reader has to read.

While waiting for the Lord, write. Be strong and take heart, and keep writing for the Lord. — Psalm 27:14

I'm learning and as I learn new things something inside me swells and I want to share what I discover but I don't know how and then I question, is it worth sharing, and then as time passes, I feel it must not be important for someone else, and eventually it is forgotten.

Oh that my words were written with an iron pen on a granite tablet so my story could be read forever. — Job 19:23–24

OH, is that it!  Is it my responsibility to sit and write?  Is it my responsibility to share?  Do I have anything inside me that the world wants to hear?  As I sit here in a corner home office with the sunset streaming through the window as my only light source I am typing on a screen.  It is peaceful in my house, the kids are helping themselves to dinner prepared.  I wonder, is this my happy place?  Is this were God intends for me to express my words.  Not from my mouth but through my finger tips.  Am I to take what I have written in journals and studied in books and move them to a place were others can read...where others can connect.  

God’s word is a lamp that lights my writing journey. — Psalm 119:105

Then I ask...me?  Really, me?  Who am I?  
Just like you, I was created.
I am loved.
I am thought of.
I am cherished.

The great I AM resides within me, provides for me, loves me, thinks of me, cherishes me, and He inspires me.

So, I will write what is in me.  Not for anyone in particular, just because it's in me.  It's there.  It's brimming and ready to pour out but if I don't pour it out, God will not continue to fill.  I have to be willing to pour out what He is pouring in and willing to let it flow beyond the brimming.  I asked Him years ago to let me be a vessel, an empty basin that is hollow and void to be filled and used until I was brimming over.
 I write honestly from my heart, seeking to make the truth known. — Job 33:3

If God is our helper when we write, the stories we build cannot be in vain. — Psalm 127:1

When I ponder what to write about, I remember the plights of my past and why I now give you praise. Then I reveal your glory by showing how you've worked in my life. — Psalm 143:5