Dial In

As I have sat many times before, I sit at my computer with my prayer journal to one side, my Bible open, and various other books I am reading (or need to be reading).  
The littlest Larsen's are sound asleep for probably only just a few more minutes.
All the windows are open to the camper.
The breeze can be heard in the tree tops and occasionally felt moving through this space.
Sleepaholics music is playing softly to help encourage a restful nap time,
but I find it's dreamy tones and watery sounds clear my 
mind and evoke a sense of peace.

Yesterday was rainy and it felt heavy, damp, and wet here in this space.
I cleaned up as much as I could before heading to bed and found I could not sleep.
I was replaying in my head some things that had stuck out to me during the day.
...a song that plays on my satellite radio about dreaming small and living small.
But it comes to me from a SATELLITE!
Boy are we living small at the moment...
​and dreaming big.
... the thoughts I keep having about focusing on my immediate place and not so much my future place.
...the feeling that I'm meant to fully drink in the life I have right at this moment.
At the same time, I'm wishing my book would become a New York Times best seller, that it would impact millions and millions of people, that my writing and work becomes significant beyond my wildest dreams.
And yet...
here I sit in my camper...
with my husband...
and 5 kids.
​My mission field.

 I laid in bed last night talking to a husband who was doing his very best to tune into our conversation but kept closing his eyes as his body was begging him to rest.
My mind was full and so was my heart.

I told him that it's like I can barely hear God, through all the mess and the noise, trying to come through with a message that He needs me to hear.
I told him that the only way to describe it is like dialing into an old AM radio.
It takes a minute, you keep catching bits and pieces throughout the static.  
Some pieces clear as bell until you dial ever so softly to far.
You dial back to try to capture the sound again and just miss it.
So frustrating, right?
I imagine God trying to send me a message from outer space, across galaxies,
and then I wonder...why me?
and then I remember...why not me?
Then I think...but He isn't that far.  
Why is this so hard.
He's right here with me.
In the mess.
In the noise.
In the peacefulness that I experience in little chunks
I try to tune in.
I pray and worship.
I breathe in and breathe out.

In an effort to reduce noise, I deleted my Facebook app.
I unsubscribed from a dozen emails today.
What else?
Now my brain?
How do I shut off all the unnecessary?
How do I become laser focused on God?
This girl who has 1001 plates spinning or on the floor.
Do I focus on promoting my book?
Do I continue to write?
Do I promote speaking engagements?
Do I homeschool?
Do I organize the pantry again?
Do I read a book?
Do I participate in the home building?
Do I rest?
Do I run?
Do I grow my direct sales business?
Which one?
Do I make more jewelry?
Oh Lord, where is my peace.
Where is my rest.

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, I know you hear my cry!
Help me to hear You!